Andrew Tate is a former professional kickboxer, influencer across far too many social media platforms and top yoghurt of the hustler’s university. He is also accused of human trafficking. While he currently resides on house arrest with his brother Tristan under the Romanian authorities, the BBC news among others have been catching up on who Tate and his brother are, their ultra luxurious lifestyle, Tate’s views on extreme misogyny and whether we should ever have him back off Romanian police.
I recently watched the full interview with Tate discussing his alleged human trafficking with his big brother Tristan, money laundering and rape charges. Tate claimed there are plenty of videos praising women out there. That’s ok then, have that, Bucharest court.
Now that his life has entered public consciousness like the most persistently bad British reality show of all time (and that’s a hell of an accolade,) I thought it’s about time I shared my views on him as well as an alternative, slightly less hateful ideology. If any organised crime group would like this video taken down, watch very carefully as my address appears briefly in the video on some pizza boxes.
Andrew Tate. He’s in my ears and in my eyes, a little bit too much. Back in my day when I was younger, you would get batsh*t lunatics just as often as you do now, but they didn’t have smartphones in their hands like Andrew Tate does.
Social media attracted controversy years ago. You just had to read the poo stains on the bus stop to keep up with it all.
No, we had a bloke called Kev who had clown trousers on, and a suit jacket who would punch the sh*t out of the bus stop repeatedly every day for no reason. He wouldn’t sexually exploit women but he would say a lot of the things that Andrew Tate says now, like women are essentially property. He’d say that too. 20 years before Andrew Tate would even be a name, but he did it in soiled clown pants whilst punching a bus stop.
Years later, we gave everyone a smartphone, and now the lunatics. Now holding phones in their hands, building twitter followers of millions and billions. And that is where I stand on Andrew Tate.
Batsh*t + Loaded + Smartphone = Influencer. Stop giving idiots podcasts.
We gotta stop giving someone who is both rich, morally corrupt (and vaguely handsome? I don’t know) a platform to grow a podcast, to grow a media empire, to build more social media followers than anybody else. And especially to have like online courses to teach young guys how to be like Andrew Tate.
If I was Andrew Tate
If I was Andrew Tate and I had some lessons in life that I could teach to the impressionable young minds (and I know that because of social media and algorithms and things like that, that people might actually be watching this video right now, hoping to find some Andrew Tate -esque wisdom. Hi. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. He isn’t, but you are gonna be fine. Alright?
These are the kind of Andrew Tate -esque nuggets of wisdom that I would share with the next generation so that I can pass on my superior masculinity.
What i’d teach if I was Andrew Tate
Don’t sexually exploit women, but do hide your biscuits from them.
- Frequently hide important details about your life from your spouse to keep them interested. Jaffa cakes, for example, she doesn’t need to know where they are.
- If you want to last longer in bed, set your alarm 10 minutes later.
- The whole concept of the male midlife crisis. It’s bollocks. Start sooner. Start a podcast in your thirties.
- Beat your wife at Mario Kart.
- Leave your family with the fresh smell of bagels in the kitchen when they come down from the bedroom, especially on a Friday. It’s just your little way of saying, “looking forward to the weekend with you all.”
Super Tate brothers
Andrew Tate. what are we gonna do about ol’ Taters? This is not a new thing. This is not an internet thing. This is not a YouTube thing. This is not a podcast thing. This is not an influencer thing. Poor impressionable young lads aren’t watching videos of him and going, “oh my God. He’s discovered the secret to life.”
He’s not discovered the secret to life. He’s not. He’s, he’s discovered cocaine and a handful of idiots on People Per Hour who will do anything he says. That’s what he’s discovered.
It all comes down to Willies.
Now some willies are very small willies. Some willies are big willies. Some willies are neither small nor big.
Just nice, nice Willie. The nice, normal sized willies are just getting on with life, willing their way through life, and, and, and not trying to get any trouble, not trying to get in anyone’s way. Just having a nice little Willie about town. The big willies are sometimes so big, it’s kind of impossible not to see them. Revel in their magnificence. the small willies are sometimes so small, so microscopic, so nanoscopic, so infinitesimal, It’s completely impossible to see them.
Now, back in the caveman days, think about it. How did the people with small willies, little caveman willies, little tiny meat mammoths, how did they attract a mate? How did they continue on to the next generation and contribute to evolution? How can you reproduce with a Willie that’s impossible to see? Are you writing this down?
If you can’t SEE the Willie, you need to be able to HEAR the Willie, and that’s why Andrew Tate won’t shut the f*ck up.